Midweek Marriage Brain dump

Happy Wednesday, good people!

This is a surprise midweek post. I usually keep things for Sundays, but this week is special, it’s my wedding anniversary. Thirteen years. Congratulations to us!

But here’s the thing: marriage is beautiful, yes, but it’s also hard. Really hard. And when I got married at 25, no one sat me down and told me that. At the time, getting married young wasn’t unusual because lots of people I knew tied the knot right after college. But even so, no one explained the in-between.

No one told me how to handle…

• Who pays which bills

• When to buy or rent a house

• Whether to have kids, and when

• Who stays home when the baby is sick

• How careers and dreams would fit together

All I ever heard was, When are you getting married? and When are you having children? The big questions. But none of the little day-to-day things that actually shape a marriage.

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Southern Millennials: Doing It All

Growing up in the South, the model was clear: the man worked, the woman stayed home.

My generation of millennials rewrote that script. We said we’ll work outside the home, we’ll raise children, we’ll run businesses on the side, and we’ll still show up for the PTO and snack duty. We’ll build our homes, plan the vacations, cut the grass, cook dinner, and curate all the little experiences.

And honestly? We’re tired. We’re stretched. We’re doing it all.

That’s why I wish someone had asked me before marriage: What’s your expectation for your marriage? What’s your expectation for your family? What’s actually attainable?

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What I Ask Younger People

Now, when I talk with younger people, I don’t ask When are you getting married? or When are you having kids?

I ask:

• How are you going to take care of yourself

• What kind of life do you actually want to live

• Do you want to be a stay-at-home parent

• How will you build a community around you to survive and thrive

Because whether you’re a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, or an entrepreneurial mom, one truth holds: you need community to survive.

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Marriage and Motherhood

Motherhood changes marriages.

Before kids, your energy is all about your partner and your shared dreams. After kids, the focus shifts to preparing and protecting little ones as they grow.

Protecting means shielding them, teaching them, guarding them.

Preparing means giving them experiences, letting them try and fail, and guiding them as they grow.

Both are necessary. Both are exhausting. And both reshape what marriage feels like.

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Beyond the Highlight Reel

So here’s my reflection thirteen years in: the real questions aren’t about the highlight moments. They’re about the daily life.

What do dreams look like as you grow older, as you both age together, as jobs and needs change, as parents get older and family responsibilities shift? Sometimes that means a career change. Sometimes the partner who stayed home goes back to work, and the one who worked full-time takes a step back. Life circumstances demand transitions. Are you willing to be adaptable with each other? Are you willing to give grace, to keep showing love in a way that makes your partner feel secure and cherished?

People evolve. That is not optional, it’s necessary. You often hear, people don’t change, or you changed on me. But the truth is, life requires change. As we live, see, and experience new things, we grow. Ideally, we grow into better, more present people. But growth can also be individual, and if a marriage becomes two people living separate lives under one roof, problems follow.

The questions then become: Will your partner support you if you shine? Will they still support you if you no longer want to shine? What happens if you step down from a prestigious role, or step away from something you once held close? How do you handle transitions together?

And then there is the question of how you give and receive love. Are you affectionate or not? Do you need physical affection? Have you ever taken the love language quiz? Is emotional support for you someone telling you that you are pretty, that you are beautiful, that you did a good job? Do you need affirmation, do you need touch, do you need small acts of service? What do you need to feel secure on a daily basis, and what do you expect from your partner? Do you expect every phone call to end with I love you, and if it doesn’t, do you internalize that as something wrong? These are real things to think about because how you give and need love matters every single day.

Dreaming is another layer. What do you need for support? Do you need someone who can sit with you and help flesh out creative ideas? Do you need physical support, someone with heavy hands who can build and bring your creations to life? Do you need financial support, a partner who invests in your dreams? Those are the conversations worth having early, because unmet expectations can turn into resentment later.

And then there is communication. Are you someone who needs to sit and think before speaking when you are upset, or do you want to hash it out right then? Do you care if language gets colorful, or are you deeply offended when voices are raised? What triggers do you have, and how do you make that clear to your partner? These things don’t disappear once you sign a marriage license. They remain, and how you process them together makes or breaks the daily rhythm of your life. Because in reality, if you are not communicating, dreaming, and giving love, what is there? You are just two people existing on an island. And what makes that enjoyable?

Love is beautiful, but love alone is not enough. Faith, commitment, and the willingness to lean into your vows are what carry a marriage through hard seasons. And truthfully, many people struggle with that commitment. Pride, immaturity, or ego can get in the way. But at the end of the day, you have to know who you’re dealing with and whether this is a person who is ready to walk that road with you.

And if you’re single and reading this, I hope you’re having these pep talks with yourself. Ask: Am I okay with being alone? Am I putting life on pause waiting for someone else to show up? What if I wake up at 50 and never pursued the things I wanted, because I thought I needed someone beside me?

If that’s the case, I encourage you to think about how you can fulfill yourself now. That way, when the right person comes along, you won’t be left feeling like you wasted years waiting. And you also won’t put expectations on someone else that they may never be able or even want to meet.

Those are the conversations worth having.

This was lengthy but I hope it stirs up some thoughts you may have. I welcome the discussion ! 

As always, if you need more of me you can find me @Trappedinthesouth YouTube or Trappedinthesouthla on Instagram 

don’t be shy, let’s be social

-A